How to embrace your village: Lessons of family & community from East Africa (Copy)
Written by Helen Sachdev
I recently returned from an eye-opening trip to East Africa. Our journey took us to the heart of Kenya, where we visited the parents of our son's best friend, and to Tororo, Uganda, my husband's birthplace. This was his first visit since the days of Idi Amin's regime, which forced many Ugandan Asians to leave the country.
The trip culminated in a joyous celebration at the wedding of our daughter's longtime school friend in Uganda. It was beautiful, and something I’ll cherish forever, particularly as it changed my perception quite considerably and became a moment of clarity. The moment happened It was during the wedding speeches. When 'the parents of the bride' were encouraged to come forward, a dozen people stepped up. At first, I was puzzled! However, as they began to share their stories about the bride, it became clear that whether auntie, uncle, close family friend or otherwise, they had played a significant role in the bride's life and this moment reflected the collective pride and responsibility they felt for the amazing person she had become.
Until recently, I did not know the proverb, "It takes a village to raise a child ", came from Africa. The communal involvement in child-rearing starkly contrasts with the more individual approach often seen in the UK. Many parents in the UK grapple with guilt for relying on nurseries, childminders, or relatives. There’s a common belief that parents, particularly mothers, should do everything themselves and meet impossibly high standards (including also having a job and maintaining the household, alongside childcare). Fathers, too, can feel societal pressure and guilt for wanting to be more involved in their children's upbringing,
In East Africa, the philosophy is refreshingly different. It’s accepted and even expected that many people will help guide children into adulthood. This collective approach is celebrated openly, particularly at weddings, where the entire village—literally and figuratively— are one.
The Village Concept in Modern Parenting
As a parent, does the idea of needing "a village" to raise a child resonate with you? For many, the concept is both comforting and validating. It acknowledges that parenting is a shared responsibility and that seeking help is not a sign of failure but a reflection of a healthy, supportive community.
In the UK, the ‘nuclear family’ model often isolates parents, placing immense pressure on them to be perfect caregivers. This isolation can lead to burnout, guilt, and a sense of inadequacy. However, when we embrace the village concept, we recognise the value of extended family, friends, and community members in our children's lives.
Sweden, ever the trailblazer in working parent equality, has recently announced plans to allow grandparents to take a share of paid parental leave! A couple will be able to re-allocate 45 days of their joint 480-day allowance (240 days each), while a single mum or dad can pass on 90 days.
Rediscovering the Village
Our East African journey turned out not to be just about revisiting my husband's roots or attending a wedding; it was a profound lesson in the power of community. In Tororo, we visited the shop and accommodation where my husband was born - with cousins from all over the world sharing their excitement on seeing the photos. Despite the challenges their parents had faced during an era of unrest, their sense of community remained unbroken.
In Kenya, we witnessed the deep bonds between our son's friend and his family. Their hospitality and warmth were overwhelming, reminding us of the importance of maintaining close ties with those who matter.
The wedding in Uganda of our daughter’s school friend was a testament to the village's role in shaping individuals. The speeches highlighted how each person contributed to the bride's upbringing, from childhood to adulthood. It was a moving reminder that parenting is not a solitary journey but a collective effort.
Embracing Your Village
How can we, as parents, foster a village mentality in our own lives? Here are a few ideas:
Build a Support Network: Connect with other parents, family members, and friends who can share in the joys and challenges of parenting. Attend local community events and engage with your neighbours.
Ask for Help: Don’t be afraid to seek assistance when needed. Whether it’s a babysitter, a family member, or a friend, asking for help can provide much-needed relief and support.
Celebrate Together: Acknowledge and celebrate the contributions of your village. Whether it's through small gatherings or larger celebrations, recognise the role of others in your children's lives.
Share Responsibilities: Distribute parenting tasks among family members. Encourage fathers to take an active role in caregiving and celebrate their involvement.
Stay Connected: Maintain strong ties with extended family and friends. Regular communication and visits can strengthen these bonds and provide a sense of belonging.
Talk you your organisation: Talk to your employer about how they can support your village in the form of flexible working or shared job responsibilities, or even show them Sweden's latest policy and ask to reallocate paid leave to a grandparent or carer.
A Personal Reflection
Reflecting on our East African adventure, I am grateful for the lessons learned about community and shared responsibility. The concept of "it takes a village" has never felt more relevant or important. It is a reminder that we are not alone in this journey and that by embracing our village, we can provide a richer, more supportive environment for our children.
Parents, does the concept of needing a village to raise a child resonate with you? If so, I'd love to hear about your village and how it has impacted your parenting journey. Let's celebrate the power of community and the incredible individuals who help shape our children's lives.
Best,
Helen
